End of year disbliss...

Sigh

I got home on Friday, in this flat panic... mainly because I hadn't filed my tax and the deadline was midnight on Friday.
I *usually* have my tax in and submitted within the first few weeks that it becomes available to file... and this year.
Yea... this year hasn't worked out that way. I lost my IRP5, which I since requested from our accountant who still hasn't sent a copy to me and ... AND... my tax return was flagged because of a difference to me working out on my salary slips to what our accountant handed in (and apparently doesn't have a copy at hand to pass on to me)
GAH

The worst is.. that if I'm wrong, I owe the revenue guys almost 2 grand. If I'm right... they owe ME almost 8grand.
I want to be right!

.... then apart from me being in luck and having no end to money at this time of year, apparently (wish I had gotten the memo sooner kinda thing), I'm left wondering that inbetween having these beautiful friends that I can disappear into a Sunday afternoon with.. I also have these flashes of hurt and knife-in-the-heart moments from those people that will mean the world to me no matter what (blood is thicker than water).
So being the shoulder to cry on for distraught girl buddies, eating lunch with amazing craft market parents (my parents away from home really), I really do STILL feel like *I* need a shoulder to cry on.
Sigh.
I can't help but feel hurt... and after tearing up several times today over this particular incident, a friend messaged me with "so what if you're hurt. EMBRACE IT."
Yes. I have every right to be hurt... I'm really working so desperately hard at becoming a better person, becoming the person they can rely on... and they just kick my heart in the face AGAIN.
Yea. I have EVERY. RIGHT. TO. BE. HURT.
It means I still love them, hugely and desperately. And I guess THAT part is good.
And so I embrace this feeling of hurt and anger. I'll work my way through it to the other side, and maybe this WANT of wanting to be happy about the news, will develop... eventually.

That saturates me... that mix of actual sadness and the deep want for happiness. and it all comes out in a puppy of 8ish weeks that is learning to give paw!
That has been my crowning achievement for today, with 3 weeks to go till annual shutdown and customers trying really hard not to kick me out of their workshops so that they can just get their work done... I taught my new little boy how to paw and it felt like I was worth giving air to again.

... if you follow my store's blog... you're going to open it to a mass of last minute lists of markets I'm trying to get into before closing end of the year.
With talks of a night market this Friday night, a market on Saturday, and the Midsummer Night's dream market NEXT Saturday... and there's others inbetween for this Sunday and maybe next Sunday and and and... I don't know how we're going to get to it all!
I'll keep you in the loop as we go (grin).

Now... off to a hot shower, more making and a pre-sleep coffee, and being alone with my sore heart and my busy mind.

~Love~