For all my dramatics.... And yes, self pity.
I do believe I sometimes climb out from that "servitude" to negativity and open my eyes to the greater stuff.
I feel warm and fluffy. Whether that's the extra fabric softener or the fact I'm sitting in the sun (with no sunscreen smeared on either) we will never know.
I feel a twang in the very core of my soul, like me and those I love are going to have some GOOD life changing moments in the next couple of months.
And I'll leave THAT to fate.
Nearly 6 hours ago, I got woken up from trying to sleep off a killer migraine. And under an hour later we were standing in Casualties at the nearest private hospital, booking in the matriarch of our family.
At 77, and pretty much during the 31 years of my existence alone, 4 weeks ago was the first time seeing my Ouma helpless in a hospital bed because she was sick.
I don't even remember her even having enough of a flu to get her bedbound. (This might have to do with the combination of her boere attitude and old housewife remedies).
To see the Ouma of 21 grandkids (yes 21...not including the married on grandkids) and 18 great grandchildren....oh and 2 great great granchildren... Lying bedbound in a hospital bed and for the most part helpless...was a shock to the balance of our lives.
She can still put the fear of God in you with a slap on the back. Bake up a storm that would put modern mothers to shame and all intertwined with an independance that should be imbedded in every woman of today.
After being out of hospital for two weeks (after being IN hospital for two weeks) ...getting the call that she stopped breathing and your aunt and uncle battled for MINUTES to bring her back. Well.
The way my parents and I reacted was heading straight to her, loading her in the car...and driving her to the hospital.
We even stood outside in the hallways making jokes about her being in the maternity ward at 77.... Ahem.
But the seriousness was all too apparent when she got moved into ICU for observation.
Leaving the hospital...the sense was still there. But sitting in my driveway crying like a little girl, updating family for the last time tonight via Facebook... I have drawn a short straw on emotional stability.
The absolute fear of sleep hangs over this house... Fear that is irrational and emotionally unstable.
All wrapped in that dreaded hope that "nothing bad will happen"...
Sigh
Let's see what tomorrow brings?
We live in a time where "bi polar" has become the "in" disorder to have. Head shrinks apparently diagnose every Willy and nilly with it.
Far removed from the Victorian /Elizabethan view of the mental illness once known as "manic depression"... Where sufferers were drugged into vegetative states and locked in asylums.
But to really KNOW you have it and to really SUFFER with this chemical imbalance is on a whole different page to society.
Hi-polar and (negative) uni-polar are not hip.....and certainly not cool.
To watch someone happily taking part in a social activity and then in a split second be irrationally angry/upset/sad about the tiniest of things....is no way to wish it on anyone.
It takes little or nothing for a downer to happen. And sometimes these downers last more than a few seconds....or hours....or days.
Medication often only lessens the chances or instances of these downers happening.
Medication often only makes this chemical imbalance "manageable". The real fight happens in your head...that fight with logic and the irrationality of the mood.
And though the fight can sometimes be won with positive triggers...good comfort food...chocolate.
It again is only all in aid of managing something that those who *don't* suffer with it.....are ignorant to.
Having something that will forever leave you wondering what it would be like "to be happy for no reason"....is no blessing.
Drugging up a sufferer will not make YOU more understanding of each mood swing...and less so of each downer.
And thinking you're a hip emo kid by saying you have bi-polar....makes you worse than any Elizabethan practitioner of magical medicines that thought he could cure anyone from this "desease" of the mind.
To those who suffer from bi-polar and uni-polar. To those who fight the downers. Fight the mood swings. Battle everyday....
My respect for you is endless.
....or at least I could dream it.
Stress, stress, stress.
It's pretty much gotten to the point where I'm not even hiding it well. Everyone that has seene since yesterday is asking why I look so stressed... Not that I know what stress *looks* like
Sigh
Finding a short moment of calm in the biggest glass of ice cold orange juice I can find. And hopefully, this will wash away. At least a little.
