when there's no space between the lines...

November... 2008. I was living in Parkhurst (one of those uber trendy little suburbs near Joburg).
I had a tiny 2 bedroom house/cottage which I shared between a house mate and my brother. Two people that I entrusted my life to, without even realising just how much.

When I sit here at this notebook, staring at this startling white screen, and I look back at who that person was... I remember someone so different.
Someone who felt lost (she was). Who felt like the world was out to get her (it wasn't).

Things have changed over these few years... changes that I may have been guided to... but that I *had* to take with my own two hands and do. MYSELF.
Yea........ smooth sailing isn't how I'd describe the journey to now.
I've still got freshly scraped knees to remind me how I'm constantly working at getting back onto my own feet and learning to walk over the little bumps.
And I see all my previous disillusionment in many of those around me... but by now, the 29th of November 2012, I've also learnt that my time is sometimes best left to self evaluation, rather than pointing at others.
Yea... I'll give advice if I've made it past that obstacle successfully enough to help someone get over the initial part. The rest... we've all got to figure out for ourselves.
For those who've known my brash past self, are still loosely footed as to how to accept/notice/take on the changes.
That's ok. I'm not here for your validation or for you to say "oh yes, you've changed. congrads". *tactless but honest*
I'll tell you what is and what isn't about me. Done.

But... there is one thing I have personally learnt to be the biggest of all mistakes... A S S U M P T I O N.
I'm at that place where I'll tell you my thoughts/feelings... if its relevant that you know.
Negative... or positive ;)

I'm still learning about not jumping to HUGE conclusions... I usually get there by some certainty first.
If I get there at all.

I'm learning all over again to like people. REALLY REALLY like people. They are who they are, just as surely as I won't change to please others, not even just for the sake of their company.
And those that I love? ... I will unabashedly and desperately wish for the best for them.
I wish them to want/need/love/have/live.... to have ambition, to fight for a quality life, to experience every small detail of bliss... and to never lose those that they love, to never be far from those that they can lean on.
Isn't that what every parent wishes for their child? isn't that what every lover wishes for their partner? isn't that what every child wishes for their grandparents?
we're this circle of existence in eachothers space... and when you jump off that cliff, arms spread wide and a smile on your face... they're the ones that will catch you. WITHOUT A DOUBT.

Live...

End of year disbliss...

Sigh

I got home on Friday, in this flat panic... mainly because I hadn't filed my tax and the deadline was midnight on Friday.
I *usually* have my tax in and submitted within the first few weeks that it becomes available to file... and this year.
Yea... this year hasn't worked out that way. I lost my IRP5, which I since requested from our accountant who still hasn't sent a copy to me and ... AND... my tax return was flagged because of a difference to me working out on my salary slips to what our accountant handed in (and apparently doesn't have a copy at hand to pass on to me)
GAH

The worst is.. that if I'm wrong, I owe the revenue guys almost 2 grand. If I'm right... they owe ME almost 8grand.
I want to be right!

.... then apart from me being in luck and having no end to money at this time of year, apparently (wish I had gotten the memo sooner kinda thing), I'm left wondering that inbetween having these beautiful friends that I can disappear into a Sunday afternoon with.. I also have these flashes of hurt and knife-in-the-heart moments from those people that will mean the world to me no matter what (blood is thicker than water).
So being the shoulder to cry on for distraught girl buddies, eating lunch with amazing craft market parents (my parents away from home really), I really do STILL feel like *I* need a shoulder to cry on.
Sigh.
I can't help but feel hurt... and after tearing up several times today over this particular incident, a friend messaged me with "so what if you're hurt. EMBRACE IT."
Yes. I have every right to be hurt... I'm really working so desperately hard at becoming a better person, becoming the person they can rely on... and they just kick my heart in the face AGAIN.
Yea. I have EVERY. RIGHT. TO. BE. HURT.
It means I still love them, hugely and desperately. And I guess THAT part is good.
And so I embrace this feeling of hurt and anger. I'll work my way through it to the other side, and maybe this WANT of wanting to be happy about the news, will develop... eventually.

That saturates me... that mix of actual sadness and the deep want for happiness. and it all comes out in a puppy of 8ish weeks that is learning to give paw!
That has been my crowning achievement for today, with 3 weeks to go till annual shutdown and customers trying really hard not to kick me out of their workshops so that they can just get their work done... I taught my new little boy how to paw and it felt like I was worth giving air to again.

... if you follow my store's blog... you're going to open it to a mass of last minute lists of markets I'm trying to get into before closing end of the year.
With talks of a night market this Friday night, a market on Saturday, and the Midsummer Night's dream market NEXT Saturday... and there's others inbetween for this Sunday and maybe next Sunday and and and... I don't know how we're going to get to it all!
I'll keep you in the loop as we go (grin).

Now... off to a hot shower, more making and a pre-sleep coffee, and being alone with my sore heart and my busy mind.

~Love~

Adrenaline... who needs it?

In all the years I've been working... as internal sales, bookkeeper, assistant, database administrator, sales rep... this is the FIRST time EVER I've had my tax unfiled.... 4 days till the deadline... well 3 days, considering it's 10pm.

AHHHHHH!

I really *don't* have that kind of money to pay back to the tax man either, considering how much already gets deducted off of my salary to tax alone every month... REALLY?!

As I had my head  buried in stress in my personal files looking for forms and paperwork, my diligent stepmom has been as the calculator, staring at my tax forms online.
Sigh.
"We can always submit until you get the paperwork, and appeal later."
I've never been stressed about this kind of thing... thanks SARS for the adrenaline rush.

Now... I'd like some coffee, rusks and a stern talking to myself about how little money I'm going to have over the holidays because of how much is already being given out... and I haven't even gotten paid yet.
Sigh

It's ok.
It could be worse.
yes... it defenitely could and I'd rather not imagine HOW.

Nooooo......

man. I got all into this anime that I "discovered".... even though it's been out since 2008.
It's only 25 episodes...

I got all excited about how it was going to end... well. it "ended".
HOW DO YOU END IT LIKE *THAT* ?

I'm so disappointed now.
The kind of disappointed that you see in American movies, where they whip this tub of icecream out of their freezers and dig into it with a spoon.
Gah.

To counter this sadness... I will watch Nichijou (My ordinary life) and make more stuff......
If anyone has watched My Ordinary Life... you'll understand. *nod*

The Thoughtfuls...

Found some very random shots I took in the last few months... I like the sky.

Not everything is all serious...

Ah well... every now and again I have to take a break from watching my EXTREME collection of anime while working on jewellery... and click open the ol' winamp.

I'm not as obsessive with my last.fm page, quite to the extent that I am with my twitter... but when I get the time, scouring last.fm for artists and music info is just so satisfying.
It also leads to much happiness after a few minutes of page searches, when I realise that, as metalheads, we don't always take ourselves too seriously.
Because really, have you seen some of these band pictures?
I believe less and less that metalheads are the knive/sword wielding, gun-toting world/people haters that "other people" make us out to be when things go wrong with some kid's mind and he/she goes and kills a few classmates at school.
You may be over sensitive about the subject, but I'm over sensitive on the other side of that fence.
We're nice people... if you bothered to look past your prejudice and see the bunch of clowns that get to laugh at themselves and eachother and just generally take part in jovial matters at the local gigspot.

As extensive as my music collection has become in recent years, I was almost bowled over by only recently (today) discovering a song featuring one of my all time favourite artist's, Skin (vocalist of Skunk Anansie).
Tony Iommi's track "Meat" ..... how did I only find this song NOW?! (considering this album of Iommi's was released in 2000 *cough* )
If you haven't come across this track yet, well, open up your browsers and go get up on this song.
The combination of artistry in this song is just so amazing...

I've also recently gotten myself some "The Pretty Reckless", fronted by blonde "have it all" girl, Taylor Momsen. This girl has such an awesome voice on her!
Loving the their addition to my music collection.

Also... those who don't have me on whatsapp or gtalk... don't know how CRAZY I've been going over Maylene and the Sons of disaster..... if you have me on twitter you'll know how mad I've been over Norma Jean's Meridional album.

Oh music!

...then.. different subject (welcome to how my mind works)
Finally getting somewhere with my whole endeavour to do proofreading and copywriting work. Made progress today AND pretty little Maruchka is designing my Etsy store banner for my typography store:
The Quotable Zoo (see what I did there? ;) )

All in all, I've survived this week far better than last week.
And its 6 weeks and counting to our annual shutdown at work... then I'll have a whole 4 weeks off of work!
Gah.
It almost can't get here quick enough.