The two weeks leading up to 28 November 2013 cannot be forgotten, though I feel forgiveness has been seeping in... and my unwillingness to fight it off may very well be a good thing. More for myself and my soul than anything (or anyone) else.
Yup. Though I sit here, still jobless, broke and a little unsure of whether to step with my left or right foot next... somehow, the panic stricken persona that took me over so many months ago... has either become a sedated acceptor... or its left and the actual me of now is "in control"... ha.
For those of us who couldn't give a rat's ass about having "the other half"...as it were, I think feel about losing a job, the way some may react or feel to a relationship falling apart.
I thought I had grounding on which to stand, a routine of some kind and a road I was headed along. I liked who I was becoming... I was working on all of those little niggly things in my persona that I had to assume (as no one gives a fuck about being honest anymore) for myself were things that needed work.
Resentment, vengeance, selfpity, anger at non-living things.
Losing my job (or being retrenched, more correctly) somehow managed to shake the ground beneath me.
Nearly four months later and I'm still not 100% that everything I had invisioned for myself may still be what I will see happening for myself now.
Maybe I'm also putting up my own (albeit realistic) obstacles, but I am treading lightly right now. Grabbing out for another job that will make me feel like I have a "spot" from which to launch ME from. Again.
And no... this is not self pity and I don't feel sorry for myself anymore.
Maybe having the friends and family I have, has allowed me to enjoy the other things around being jobless... maybe.
I've gotten to spend Monday mornings, walking by the weir and having breakfast with beautiful, spiritual beings that I'm blessed enough to call my besties.
I've gotten to sit and watch funny Youtube clips with my stepmother when we're supposed to keep her office running midweek.
It's Friday afternoon, overcast and I've been able to sit and nibble on my lunch while posting this... my pony trying relentlessly to get my old horse to play, neighbours' lawnmowers filling the silence and this amazing sense of calm about everything. Even around the 6 jobs I've applied for over the last two days.
So no. Self pity has no home here right now... and I guess that's one step closer to finding out what road I'm going to beable to stumble on, jobless or not.
There's also been a lot of time for introspection in the last few months...
There are people that have been on my mind alot over the last 2 or so months. People I still love dearly and to my core, that are no longer in my life, that I don't miss anymore.
There are people that are bound to me by the invisible, that I have let go of my anger for... and that I find I cannot love.
I have even found the type of person I didn't like in myself... as having been mostly washed away.
Maybe these are the things that have needed to happen. For all I could possibly know and understand.
But, if only for the duty of paying my rent and feeding my beasts, I do hold onto the hope of finding a job... really really soon. But from which to base part of myself on... I'm not so sure anymore.
This will not be a short term observation...
