Strings and things...

There is nothing quite so nerve wracking as being someone who NEEDS to be "in control" of everything possible...and then finding out how little "possible" actually is.

Financially,  emotionally, spiritually and mentally,  you have to start throwing your worries to the wind...because right now, its like they're all rhetorical questions in my life.
Because I know what the answers would be if I had a full time job again... and yea, if I had a full time job.

How awful is it that so much can depend on us working for someone else? Either it's a joke or it's pretty sad....

We're so very lost when one piece of our puzzle falls away... I'd like to say I can deal with it, and that I'll "find a way"... but for all my trying there seems to be this massive invisible wall that keeps jumping I to my path along this journey.
Luckily I'm stubborn... or unlucky

But for all of this instability, I can be sure of how grateful I am for each day I get to wake up to. The more I look at the little things, the more I can find a way of easing the unease.
Bitter sweet and comfortably so... I guess.

I guess its better than losing my mind, pathetically, to the "real world".

Losing your sense of humour...and finding yourself...

Every morning I wake up, open up doors in the house, travers my way between a cat and three dogs to the kettle... and for those few minutes that it takes the kettle to boil (plus a bit) I sit on the kitchen floor, in the doorway, listening and watching as my neighbourhood wakes up.

Someone near has a peacock...and sheep. And every morning during this ritual, while the dogs are madly chasing eachother in post sleep energy drain and my cat "observes" them... this peacock calls to the world. So distinctly.
And sheep call to eachother in illogical panic and birds all around in the trees and sky demand that everyone knows they're there.
I find a very blissful calm in this cacophony.
And I find myself not OWED that moment, but blessed to be allowed that moment.

Thankfully its a hot Spring, so I get to enjoy this moment before 6am in sunlight...
I also sit in these moments,  where noone else has shared it with me... and my mind wanders, even if only a few seconds to the surreal feeling of missing a part of myself.
To think that nearly two years ago (give or take a month) my best friend in the entire world dissappeared from my life. Willingly.
That the world has not stopped turning and we have not fallen apart... I thought this angered me once upon a time, but now I see a space that will never be filled and a seeking for the piece that eventually subsided.
You move on...you live.... and its a choice to let it drag you down or lift you up.
My best friend may be lost forever... and my grip on the string of hope...is no more.
Many people, blood or water, will only be a moment in your life and you in theirs... we drift like water living vicariously through the material world of hugs and kisses and spoken word.... but this is all fleeting.
My heart will only ever be in the place it always was....

And then the click of the kettle and I watch the rooibos tea steam in the cup in my hands. I grab whatever Terry Pratchett novel I'm busy on and read a good few pages with my playlist blaring therapeutically through my little house.
The dogs have worn themselves out and are stretched across a dew covered lawn, the cat is solar powering in the doorway... and the day begins.

At the expense of sounding new age...douchy....hippy... every morning is just another chance to live, without shackles and ties and negativity...
Very little compares to these small things... and nothing will ever replace what is lost... but there is no way I'd stepback to sacrifice what has already happened in the hope it would be different.

Burn the hearth...

After months in a swirl of freelance work, job hunting, crafting and living... alot of things have been learnt and realised.
Alot of good things, more than the disappointments.

Have found an unending list of things daily, that I can be completely grateful for. Things that noone can affect either. Things that I can experience and smile at in complete solitude, yet share with others.

These things have made my heart a little better, and I'm closer to the path I want to walk... we slip and fall  and lose sight of who we want to become and suddenly we're falling blindly. Until we try that little bit harder to stop the tumble.
So here I am.
Thankful that as dark as things have been this year for me, for loved ones, for those close to my heart... we still hold the lantern up.
We're alive and we get to wake up to newness every morning. Maybe a little less in heart and soul than the day before and maybe (hopefully) more than the day before.

I am grateful for these beings whose souls I get to saturate myself in so often in private moments... they rejuvenate all those around them and live through their hardships with such courage and such beauty.  They are inspirational.