Its taken over a week for to get to this post.
Very few will identify with it..save those that have loved and do love their animals (dogs, cats, horses) intensely.
This year's Winter Solstice...was the longest day I could bare. The week leading up to it had just been littered with things that sent me off kilter, sank me deeper into the impending downer... and then the drop off the cliff.
I woke feeling more positive than I had that whole week... if I look back at my social media that morning.
I got to the stable to find my Sonny, unable to get up...or unwilling.
Even as my father rushed to come help me, his unmoving silhouette in the stable entrance as I frantically tried to push and shove Sonny into getting himself up off the floor, was my conscience. I knew all along.
To the deepest pits of my stomach I knew it was no use.
Even the safest place in the world, my dad's arms, couldn't change it.
Of all the days....a Saturday. The busiest vet days. Not a single vet could come help sedate him while we waited for "the man" who comes out for all these situations.
It was agony, not nearly what his must have been for 7 hours long I was helpless to make my Sonny's last moments more comfortable, less painful...
When the man arrived, it was emotionless. How many times he must have done this, he had it down to a process.
I went to stroke Sonny's face one last time, sobbing like a beaten child, and he whinnied so softly and painfully.
I was told to move away and ran for the side of the stable, covering my ears and unable to stop the crying.
You can hear it, no matter how tightly you shut your ears... that pop, and the seconds of silence that follow.
Then the chains and the crane being positioned, the swell of another lost life under the canvass of the truck...
My groom cried as he helped the man chain Sonny's ankles together... then another moment of silence. And that pop.
The last I saw of Sonny was the crane raising him up and the sight of his hooves just over tye rooftop of the stable.
My groom cried as much as I did. Sonny had been a part of our everyday lives here at home. His space still looming over the field and in the stable.
Some may not know that many horseowners "donate" their animals in death to the Lion Park... giving life where one has been lost, as it were.
But those last hours, if I could do it all over again, I know I would do it so differently.
And the finality of it lingers painfully... in his folded blankets, boots, halters, fly masks....photos.
There is just a raw wound where peace longs to fill me for what happened... and then I am reminded that June will always be that to me.
I made the decision for my 32 year old Saddler in June 2009....and 5 years later the decision was made for me with Son of Man.
Leroy doesn't seem to have noticed much difference and I suppose I am thankful for these small blessings.
The destruction that followed Sonny for the first 2 weeks after Tiger's absence was gutt wrenching... so see that young little Leroy has remained calm, puts my soul slightly at ease.
I cannot say I will never be left with the same decisions ever again... my oove for these animals outways my own comfort if I'm able to give them a life worth having. Even if the end of these short lives leaves me distraught.
I do not regret a single moment I had Tiger and Sonny in my life. They gave me so much.
