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I've been hanging onto hope for far longer than I could even admit to myself. And considering that right now there is no clear definement between work and personal... the hope I hold is all encompassing.

The hope of work and a job has hung over my head like a great big storm cloud, raging in its inner fury, black and lightening stricken...waiting to burst but never quite geting there.
Fuck that.
I made so many promises to myself after being retrenched and those are the things I was supposed to hold as my personal law...that all went with the wind of my personal storm.

Here I am, my loyalty for those who have done nothing presently to deserve it, stripped to the flesh and I am going to take care of me and the promises I made myself.
I am not filled with any kind of vengeance,  so whosoevers toes I end up tredding on, best not take it personal.

I have lost a great deal of self worth and being over the last 5 months, and it wont go into its 6th. I have my batshit crazy face on and war in my fists.

My compassion and kindness though vast and huge, should never make me a walkover.
And I fear thats what became of it...

Onward ★

Walk away, this is war...

Listening to Dead Letter Circus over a cup of coffee on a sunny Autumn morning.
I keep saying I could live like this... and I already am.
To define the word "live" ...have I lost my search for fulfillment to such a degree that I could be disappointed in all the good I am still surrounded with?
Probably.

I find my heart at no great loss either for moral epiphanies... relationships and so forth... lingering on these negativities will bring me no closer to the goal I thought I was headed for.
Sidetracked, stumbled, back up and walking.
"I've grown stronger, I can feel the change..."

Footsteps away...

It's been a long time since I have felt so miserably disheartened.
Job hunting is a thorn in the side of self esteem.

I will, however, persevere.

Inbetween the downers and inner turmoil... There is life.
Good people, a sense of humour unwilling to take the bullshit lying down and well... Really amazing family.
There is no one that needs to remind me regularly how great I have things most of the time.

If only the stress would let up though....I would rather have someone needing to remind me to be stressed.

Also... I am finding myself rather interested in linoprinting. Hmmmmm
Discoveries in the weirdest of times.

Will to live...

Though I'm not anti-tea....there just really is nothing that can compare to the C word.

Coffee, really does make my world go round... Well mostly.

Sitting at 4pm on the stoep, with my phone, the retreating storm and a cup of coffee...blissed.

Also, this is the perfect place and setup to currently contemplate life... And how quickly these last few months of being jobless have flown by.
In the vortex of what unemployment brings...comes the "fateful" encounters that make me put my feet forward.
This weekend, for example, was depressingly useless for all the work put into it, but a meeting that might not have happened otherwise.
I'm back to taking charge.

Hmmmmmm.