Every morning I wake up, open up doors in the house, travers my way between a cat and three dogs to the kettle... and for those few minutes that it takes the kettle to boil (plus a bit) I sit on the kitchen floor, in the doorway, listening and watching as my neighbourhood wakes up.
Someone near has a peacock...and sheep. And every morning during this ritual, while the dogs are madly chasing eachother in post sleep energy drain and my cat "observes" them... this peacock calls to the world. So distinctly.
And sheep call to eachother in illogical panic and birds all around in the trees and sky demand that everyone knows they're there.
I find a very blissful calm in this cacophony.
And I find myself not OWED that moment, but blessed to be allowed that moment.
Thankfully its a hot Spring, so I get to enjoy this moment before 6am in sunlight...
I also sit in these moments, where noone else has shared it with me... and my mind wanders, even if only a few seconds to the surreal feeling of missing a part of myself.
To think that nearly two years ago (give or take a month) my best friend in the entire world dissappeared from my life. Willingly.
That the world has not stopped turning and we have not fallen apart... I thought this angered me once upon a time, but now I see a space that will never be filled and a seeking for the piece that eventually subsided.
You move on...you live.... and its a choice to let it drag you down or lift you up.
My best friend may be lost forever... and my grip on the string of hope...is no more.
Many people, blood or water, will only be a moment in your life and you in theirs... we drift like water living vicariously through the material world of hugs and kisses and spoken word.... but this is all fleeting.
My heart will only ever be in the place it always was....
And then the click of the kettle and I watch the rooibos tea steam in the cup in my hands. I grab whatever Terry Pratchett novel I'm busy on and read a good few pages with my playlist blaring therapeutically through my little house.
The dogs have worn themselves out and are stretched across a dew covered lawn, the cat is solar powering in the doorway... and the day begins.
At the expense of sounding new age...douchy....hippy... every morning is just another chance to live, without shackles and ties and negativity...
Very little compares to these small things... and nothing will ever replace what is lost... but there is no way I'd stepback to sacrifice what has already happened in the hope it would be different.
No comments:
Post a Comment