Lines...

Nearly 6 hours ago, I got woken up from trying to sleep off a killer migraine. And under an hour later we were standing in Casualties at the nearest private hospital, booking in the matriarch of our family.

At 77, and pretty much during the 31 years of my existence alone, 4 weeks ago was the first time seeing my Ouma helpless in a hospital bed because she was sick.
I don't even remember her even having enough of a flu to get her bedbound. (This might have to do with the combination of her boere attitude and old housewife remedies).
To see the Ouma of 21 grandkids (yes 21...not including the married on grandkids) and 18 great grandchildren....oh and 2 great great granchildren... Lying bedbound in a hospital bed and for the most part helpless...was a shock to the balance of our lives.

She can still put the fear of God in you with a slap on the back. Bake up a storm that would put modern mothers to shame and all intertwined with an independance that should be imbedded in every woman of today.

After being out of hospital for two weeks (after being IN hospital for two weeks) ...getting the call that she stopped breathing and your aunt and uncle battled for MINUTES to bring her back. Well.
The way my parents and I reacted was heading straight to her, loading her in the car...and driving her to the hospital.
We even stood outside in the hallways making jokes about her being in the maternity ward at 77.... Ahem.
But the seriousness was all too apparent when she got moved into ICU for observation.
Leaving the hospital...the sense was still there. But sitting in my driveway crying like a little girl, updating family for the last time tonight via Facebook... I have drawn a short straw on emotional stability.

The absolute fear of sleep hangs over this house... Fear that is irrational and emotionally unstable.
All wrapped in that dreaded hope that "nothing bad will happen"...

Sigh

Let's see what tomorrow brings?

Breathing...and alive

We live in a time where "bi polar" has become the "in" disorder to have. Head shrinks apparently diagnose every Willy and nilly with it.

Far removed from the Victorian /Elizabethan view of the mental illness once known as "manic depression"... Where sufferers were drugged into vegetative states and locked in asylums.

But to really KNOW you have it and to really SUFFER with this chemical imbalance is on a whole different page to society.
Hi-polar and (negative) uni-polar are not hip.....and certainly not cool.

To watch someone happily taking part in a social activity and then in a split second be irrationally angry/upset/sad about the tiniest of things....is no way to wish it on anyone.

It takes little or nothing for a downer to happen. And sometimes these downers last more than a few seconds....or hours....or days.
Medication often only lessens the chances or instances of these downers happening.
Medication often only makes this chemical imbalance "manageable". The real fight happens in your head...that fight with logic and the irrationality of the mood.

And though the fight can sometimes be won with positive triggers...good comfort food...chocolate.
It again is only all in aid of managing something that those who *don't* suffer with it.....are ignorant to.

Having something that will forever leave you wondering what it would be like "to be happy for no reason"....is no blessing.

Drugging up a sufferer will not make YOU more understanding of each mood swing...and less so of each downer.
And thinking you're a hip emo kid by saying you have bi-polar....makes you worse than any Elizabethan practitioner of magical medicines that thought he could cure anyone from this "desease" of the mind.

To those who suffer from bi-polar and uni-polar. To those who fight the downers. Fight the mood swings. Battle everyday....

My respect for you is endless.

Orange juice might be the only cure....

....or at least I could dream it.

Stress, stress, stress.
It's pretty much gotten to the point where I'm not even hiding it well. Everyone that has seene since yesterday is asking why I look so stressed... Not that I know what stress *looks* like
Sigh

Finding a short moment of calm in the biggest glass of ice cold orange juice I can find. And hopefully, this will wash away. At least a little.

Chai latte smoothies for lunch...

That blissful burn as the temperature reaches over 25℃ and the sky burns a light blue, aching for rain as badly as the dusty ground...
It's Spring...

With it comes this wave of uncertainty about me.
As out of our control as economic stability, and to a certain extent, work stability can be... There's a security to knowing what and how many worries I have RIGHT now.

But at the same time...there's an urge in me to take (that aged cliche) "a leap of faith"... And yet a part of me also keeps looking to the failure of those that did... And it all screeches to a halt right there.

No amount of encouragment can seem to get me unstuck.
Sigh.

It's probably a self belief problem...but also that surety issue in the current state of economic affairs we find ourselves in.
How ironic.

Under the impression...

No matter how many relationships you have or haven't been in... I don't think anyone is an "expert" on them.
But I do feel there are points to note on the good relationships you observe... And equally on the bad ones.

When our relationships with friends make us unhappy, or don't fulfill a need (someone to confide in, confidentially. Someone who'll have your back in times of trouble or hooliganism. Someone you want to call right away to share good news with etc.) We dissolve the friendship....sometimes.
Yes?

Just as a friendship should be of MUTUAL positivity and benefit, so to shouldn't a committed relationship?
Why are so many relationships "on show" biasedly destructive? Why is one side of most relationships I've witnessed recently been set on destroying the other half and the friendships/relationships/family of the other half?
What is there to gain from ruining the core and happiness of your partner?
I've always rolled my eyes at the phrase "they complete me" .... No. Either you are a complete person and they're the "icing on the cake of who you are" ...or you are headed for imminent disaster when you one day realise "they won't allow you to be you" or you need to go on a journey to "find yourself".
The other person should be the cherry on the top of the cake that is you and who you are. They should even make you better...happy...

One sided destruction, secrets, hiding things...
Has this become what relationships are? Or have they always been an all out selfish gain for one side?

If so... Thank goodness for single life.
And thank goodness for the choice in having positive friends to embrace your own choice to live as you want to be.

With so many soul sucking relationships out there... I am surprised we have any kind of civility left in this world.

To my friends on the receiving end of these destructive relationships... I wish all the answers were available. I wish the ways out were easier. I wish we could have seen it coming...
I know you're all worth better and you all deserve better.
And should I ever find myself on that train track...I hope I have the sense and heart to heed the warnings of friends and family.
Within reason of course ;)

Happy Friday.

Let it be real for belief and denial...

I'm on my third day of sick leave, rotten with bronchitis -.-

All this time and space in my little quiet home has left me with alot of thinking time, breathing time (when I'm not coughing my lungs into spasm that is)... I've been filling this little house with my music collection... yesterday was alot of This Will Destroy You (their track Quiet has just left me so inlove with their music all over again)... and today it's one of my all time favourite artists, Tracy Chapman.

This newer album of hers that I got myself... well. Good thing I have tissues next to my sickbed. Seriously.
♥

My bed has become my workspace as I update listings for Wonder Struck Inc's on online stores. These listings are way overdue >.<
and I have the most gorgeous collection of puppymonsters that are coming in to check on me as my guardian lays jealously at the end of my bed.
I very much, to the bottom of my heart, feel like I could be a work-at-home-puppymonster-mom.
It may just be the ridiculously strong collection of medication, the coffee (that I'm apparently not supposed to be drinking), and the amazing music I am lucky enough to have discovered and fallen in love with, and nevermind the HUGE collection of marketing reading material next to me... but that is truly how I've been feeling lately.
Discarding the sensible, logical side of my brain about paying up my responsibilities... I don't think I'd make a stressless hippy, but oh how a part of me longs!

I will merely end this entry with the lyrics from one of my new favourite Tracy Chapman tracks, to kind of put into perspective my mental and emotional state with all this time to myself:

ALMOST - Tracy Chapman

Almost got what I want
Almost found what I lost
Almost saved you and myself
Almost won but it doesn't count
And never does
Never does

One green light
One more ring of the telephone
One more step
One more second
And I almost
Almost

Almost got what I want
Almost found what I lost
Almost saved you and myself
Almost won but it doesn't count
And never does
Never does

One hello
Just one kiss before the tears come
One yes
One chance
And I almost
Almost almost almost

Almost got what I want
Almost found what I lost
Almost saved you and myself
Almost won but it doesn't count
And never does
Never does

One day one year
5,000 weeks
A life of good works and good deeds
Let me be let me be closer
Or let me be
Let me be
Let me be

When I've almost got what I want
Almost found what I lost
Almost saved you and myself
Almost won but it doesn't count
And never does
Never does

One good guess
A question with an answer that I know
One idea
One grand notion
And I almost
Almost almost almost

Almost got what I want
Almost found what I lost
Almost saved you and myself
Almost won but it doesn't count
And never does
Never does
Never does
Never does

Instagramming for dummies.

I do feel that I need to point out how addicted I've becoming to Instagram recently. Blogging my life in pictures and never having to *BE* in any of them... how perfect is that?

Yes... I find this amateur photo taking business rather appeals to me...

If you're on Instagram and think my photo overload is worth looking at, follow me: Zoocatty

There's just been too much happening... both in life and in my head over June for me to even start sorting through. And to put it all into words? right now? yeah... not going to happen.

At least not soon.

Pretty much how I've been feeling ...

I am sure though about how much I've come to appreciate good friends, good family and yes, a good life.

Between philanthropy, people noting happenings in my life, noting happenings in the lives of others... all of which may be dismissed as trivial to the horribleness of this world and 99% of the humans that exist in it with the same view... I do see the silver lining around these clouds.

Pardon the cliche, but I'm not one for words today.

I know, more than ever, that no one will beable to get me where I want to go, other than me.

And I am ready to fight, bloodied fists and all.