Typist's lament

Being at work on a Friday seems equivalent to typing one handed on a huge laptop keyboard (when there's coffee in one hand, I try to multitask, ok?)

...I might also feel like this after a late night of heavy confidences and a 4am wakeup call.
Since taking these unwavering steps to "living honestly".... I was told that my honesty was "brutal" and "hurtful".
There comes a time when I just cannot stand seeing really awesome people, or people who are borne with the potential to be more amazing, sucking the positive side out of EVERYTHING.
I just can't.

I'm unipolar, I am depressive/pessimistic by birth... And you know what? Buck the hell up.
This world will seem dark if that's all you ever want to see.

If you own your own "business" and you complain how every client sucks, how all the work they give you sucks, how sucky the inspiration is in everything.... You know what I see?
I see that you work for yourself (which is a privilege), I see your bills getting paid because those sucky customers are PAYING you for doing your best despite their work sucking and despite the lack of inspiration.... You get to wake up in the morning and be the boss of your to-do list.

...I work in a volatile industry, see between 6 and 12 people a day. 5 days a week.
And 99% of the people I see everyday are negative. All they can talk about is how bad the industry is, how little work there is, how their staff are on short time.
I still smear a smile on my face (and even if it is 90% fake) and I go face the negativity... I choose to see that there is still 1 customer in 100 that will have something positive to say, who will say thank you, who will smile back.
And that...pretty much makes up for almost all the Crap I face otherwise.

You have *so* much work that you're up late almost every night?
You have people who are calling you just to say hi, and NOT because they want something from you?
You have a roof over your head?
Is the weather great today?
You got to experience that gorgeous first sip of tea/coffee this morning and watch the Autumn sun rise?

Well...Lucky you...too bad it all passed you by without you appreciating any of it. Then you don't deserve any of it.
Maybe you're the type who can only want/need/appreciate it when it's all GONE.

Buck. Up.

Returning...

I don't know why, but I adore this song more on rainy days.
Despite how sad these words are... It makes me feel so comfortable and happy as grey overcast skies rain down on every surface facing it.
But I also find this song, starkly appropriate...in the present.

Hope Leaves - Opeth
In the corner beside my window
There hangs a lonely photograph
There is no reason
I'd never notice a memory that could hold
me back
There is a wound that's always bleeding
There is a road I'm always walking
And I know you'll never return to this
place
Gone through days without talking
There is a comfort in silence
So used to losing all ambition
And struggling to maintain what's left

And once undone, there is only smoke
Burning in my eyes to blind
To cover up what really happened
And force the darkness unto me

Even when the clouds leave...

I hate that changing for the better is *this* difficult.
Ye, I can already hear the cliche "otherwise it wouldn't be worth it" being thrown around... I am not the only human being in my life (directly and indirectly) that needs to buck up.
But then again...there are those gems in my life that make me persevere. The better I become for me...the more amazing the human beings that I'll get to spend breathing space with.
Friday night: M.. Who is just becoming so much of a delightful lady, stepped out her comfort zone to join me at a night market. She helped setup and pack away. She partied that venue upside down and even had ladies over 50 headbanging on the makeshift dancefloor. I crawled into bed near 1am for 5 hours of sleep. Blessed that not only M bit a boy we both know also stopped by the venue to say hi.
Saturday: despite little sleep and a killer hangover, M joined me and the Henley group for another day long market. And she survived.
She even stayed up long enough at the post market / pre-birthday braai for one of my Henley girls.
My parental unit...fresh from a 4x4 excursion had also stopped by during the market.
These are the human beings I will gladly limit my life to. Go to the end of the world for. Be a packhorse for.
They have allowed me in their lives...despite my unforgivables...my quirks...my frustration at changes I've been making for myself...
There are times when we all disappear into ourselves and then we get these frantic worried phone calls and messages checking if we're ok.... A genuine concern for one another. Genuine damn is given between us in this small group, no matter how small the news.
None of us has seen/heard from anyone else that claim "friend" in our presence... And maybe that's the first tick... When *will* they be in our presence? When we "need" to pick them up/meet them/listen to their Crap....
Are these the people we just simply let slip away...as if we'd notice MUCH of a difference to now.
I'm genuinely exhausted being disappointed by halfhearted "friendship" when I am merely there for convenience.
I've been that halfhearted...knave. and I've worked on that. I refuse to accept it in my life anymore.
If you're out there... Don't leave message.

White....

I have had certain bands and albums loaded on my laptops for years...never quite getting around to listening to them.

I may be several years behind, but I have finally reached into my He Is Legend collection.

Wow.

I have been swamped by their "amaze".
Their song China White even brought me to tears on a particularly low "downer" the other day.
But music is just such brilliant therapy and as much as I sobbed...I was relieved from whatever heartache had overtaken me that day.

I continue to be saddened by the line "I don't believe in miracles"... I still hold out a childlike hope for the alternative.

If *you* haven't heard He Is Legend yet.... I urge you, wholeheartedly, to take a leap into their album "I am Hollywood"... Surely your playlist will feel emptied without them.

....I have NEVER been a Bring Me The Horizon fan. Ever.
When I came across their first video off the newly released Sempiternal album (on YouTube no less) I fell inlove first with the video and then with the song... Which I believe, if memory serves me, Shallow Moses?
I may need to stand under correction...

I have realised that as Autumn starts heading to Winter's glare... These "rough" patches are about to come on with a vengeance.
I have my safety belt fastened and my seat in an upright position. Let's do this.

I take on bliss with Opeth's Hope Leaves.

Have a glorious Tuesday and I hope you find your bliss today ;)

Time stops for no one...

No matter how few and far between... When a downer hits, it really can *feel* like the end of the world.
This inconsolable sadness/anger/sulk... Whether you're bipolar or unipolar... If you are you'll know it.
There's hardly ever a logical reason for it though...

For the downer... Not the polar (because that all has to do with proteins and the brains chemical imbalance etc etc).

As I sink into a heavy work schedule, overcast skies (hopefully some rain), and the hope for this moment to pass...
I can't let go of the "value of life".

Can you?

Misunderstood...

Just because the vocalist is screaming, doesn't mean the words aren't far more relevant to reality than the shit your cutesy little poppers spew out.
Hardcore doesn't mean that they're swearing... hardcore means that they're talking about the things you'd prefer to ignore.

Fuelled by coffee... Saturday musings

"In The Fade" - Queens of the Stone Age

Cracks in the ceiling, crooked pictures in the heart

Countin and breathin, I'm leaving here tomorrow

They don't know, I'd never do you any good

Laughin is easy, I would if I could

Ain't gonna worry

Just live till you die, wanna drown

With nowhere to fall into the arms of someone

There's nothing to save I know

You live till you die

Live till you die, I know

Loosing a feelin', that I couldn't give away

Countin and breathin, disappearin in the fade

They don't know, I'd never do you any good

Stoppin and stayin, I would if I could

Ain't gonna worry

Just live till you die, wanna drown

With nowhere to fall into the arms of someone

There's nothing to save I know

You live till you die